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This summer’s most highly anticipated movie, Snakes on a Plane, was deemed a “cult classic” even before its release last Friday. Are you the ultimate fan? The guy in the picture with the tattoo (not to mention the nauseating arm hair! GROSS) is second on the list.

I was obsessed with it as early as February. And by obsessed, I mean knew about it and didn’t give a rats ass. Still don’t. But of course, you must visit the Official movie website and send a personalized message from Samuel L. Jackson to an unsuspecting victim. I got “snaked” by Chris.

The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Austin, TX is hosting a “Blanks on a Blank” filmmaking competition inspired by “Snakes on a Plane.” All of the parody films are available on their site. One of my friends from High School was involved in a video. It was quite funny.

But of all the fan stuff I have come across, this is my favorite. Based off Monty Python’s “usages of the word f*ck…”

Dan Kaminsky offers a linguistics lesson here:
• “Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful phrases in the English language today is the phrase “Snakes on a Plane”. It is the one magical phrase, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and Samuel L. Jackson.

  In language, “Snakes on a Plane” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John snaked Mary on a plane) and intransitive (Mary was snaked on a plane by John). It can be an action verb (John really snakes on a plane), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t snake on a plane), an adverb (Mary is snaking-on-a-plane interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific snake on a plane). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is snaking-on-a-plane beautiful) or an interjection (Snakes on a Plane! I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, SNAKES ON A PLANE, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the phrase “Snakes on a Plane.”

  Aside from its R-rated-because-that’s-what-the-fans-demanded connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

  1) Surprise — “What the snakes on a plane are you doing here?”
  2) Fraud — “I got snaked on a plane by the car dealer.”
  3) Resignation — “Oh, snakes on a plane!”
  4) Trouble — “I guess I’m snakes on a plane now.”
  5) Aggression — “GO SNAKE YOURSELF ON A PLANE!”
  6) Disgust — “Snake me on a motherfucking plane.”
  7) Confusion — “What the…snakes on a plane…?”
  8) Difficulty — “I don’t understand these snakes on a plane!”
  9) Despair — “Snakes on a plane again….”
  10) Pleasure — “I couldn’t be happier if I had snakes on a plane.”
  11) Displeasure — “What the motherfuck is going on here, snakes on a plane?”
  12) Lost — “Where are we going and why are there snakes on a plane?”
  13) Disbelief — “UN-SNAKES-ON-A-PLANE-BELIEVABLE!”
  14) Retaliation — “Up your fucking snakes on a plane!”
  15) Denial — “I didn’t do it. The snakes did. On a plane.”
  16) Perplexity — “I know everything to do with it, if it has anything to do with Snakes On A Plane.”
  17) Apathy — “Who really gives a snake on a plane, anyhow?”
  18) Greetings — “How the snakes on a plane are ya?”
  19) Suspicion — “Who the fuck are you, snakes on a plane?”
  20) Panic — “Let’s get the snakes on a plane out of here.”
  21) Directions — “Fuck off, snakes on a plane.”
  22) Awe — “How the snakes on a plane did you do that?”

  It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s got a motherfucking snake up his motherfucking plane.” It can be used to tell time — “It’s five snakes on a plane thirty.” It can be used in business — “How did I wind up with this job? It’s snakes on a plane!” And of course, it can be maternal — “Motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane.”

  The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the phrase! How can anyone be offended when you say, “Snakes on a Plane”? Use it frequently in your daily speech! It adds to your prestige. ”

Read more— Snakes on a Plane: the aftermath (BoingBoing[dot]net).

At least someone agrees with me, ‘Snakes’ sequels doomed. Thank goodness. David Gianatasio provides a list of treatments for sequels such as rakes on a plane: People step on them in the aisle and get hit in the face! (Terror and hilarity ensue.) For the complete list, follow the above link.

Personally, I have no desire to see the movie. I don’t like snakes, I don’t like planes. I fly a lot and I don’t want to have that image at the back of my mind. But I will leave you with this little thought:

SNAKES ON A PLANE!