Audrina Patridge needs to remind Heidi that the only good Hills star is a bikini-clad Hills star. Well, except for Lauren Conrad whose chest could literally put a man to sleep.
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The Superficial - Because You're Ugly (9 unread)
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Audrina Patridge in a bikini
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 3:30pm MST
Audrina Patridge needs to remind Heidi that the only good Hills star is a bikini-clad Hills star. Well, except for Lauren Conrad whose chest could literally put a man to sleep. -
Jennifer Lopez training for triathlon
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 2:45pm MST
These are shots of Jennifer Lopez training for the upcoming Nautica Malibu Triathlon. J-Lo is competing to raise money for Children's Hospital of LA which means she's practically the Unabomber, according to Roseanne Barr logic. Judging by these photos, I can only assume the triathlon consists of pretending to asphyxiate in a comical fashion, emphasizing the size of your breasts and heavily contemplating if you can fit your ass into a bathing suit. Never before have all of Jennifer Lopez's talents been so fiercely put to the test. -
Heidi Montag continues quest to make world's shittiest pop music
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 2:00pm MST
Season 4 of the The Hills premieres tonight, and to further emphasize the continued decline of civilization, Heidi Montag has released a new single "Overdosin'" which sounds exactly like her previous single "Fashion". I'm pretty sure Heidi Montag is just sitting in a recording booth saying words. No, scratch that. I don't want to give this thing more credit than it's due. Anyway, Heidi explained the meaning of her latest abortion to Ryan Seacrest this morning:"'Overdosin'' is about "when you fall in love with someone... and [you're] just overdosing off of their love."
Now, if only Heidi and Spencer would overdose off each other's love - or heroin. I'm cool either way. Audio after the jump. -
Kristen Bell in a bikini
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 12:00pm MST
Here's Kristen Bell allowing Dax Shepard to slather her bikini body with suntan lotion. Yeah, it's only spray-on lotion, but I'm pretty sure this is conclusive evidence that either God doesn't exist or is drunk again. Dax Shepard gets to nail Kristen Bell: HA! Good one, big guy. But, seriously, I'm gonna need those keys... -
Kim Kardashian Wrestles Carmen Electra for Tragically Unfunny Arousal
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 11:27am MST
Sex sells, so it's no surprise that, like Superhero Movie before it, Disaster Movie attempts to bring in viewers unaware of ways of procuring actual pornography (i.e., the internet) by promising a brief, cleavage-filled wrestling match. But what makes this clip astounding is how writer-director duo Friedberg and Seltzer are somehow able to make a cleavage-filled wrestling match so intensely frustrating. The secret? Beginning the catfight with a Wanted quote to give the illusion that humor and/or parody are involved (they aren't).
Continue Reading "Kim Kardashian Wrestles Carmen Electra for Tragically Unfunny Arousal"
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Roseanne Barr goes on insane offense against Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt (Is it Crazy Day?)
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 10:45am MST
Roseanne Barr must've decided she wanted to feel relevant this weekend and posted an entry on her blog attacking Jon Voight, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I'll give kudos to Roseanne for calling Glenn Beck a "used tampon" before she dives completely off the deep end in an ultra-liberal rant that makes Rosie O'Donnell look like Rush Limbaugh. I'm, of course, talking politically and not physically because, until last week, I swore they were twins:
[Jon Voight] is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth. The neocons who own jon voight and make him dance on the chabad telethons are the worst most elitist people on earth. glen beck and jon voight are their bitches... both of them are used tampons who must be flushed down the toilet immediately! jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin').
Wow. Somebody's going through the change. Did she just attack Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for providing a home to poor underprivileged children? Yeah, these two are clearly diabolical. I bet next they'll build a hospital for AIDS victims. God, what a pair of assholes. If only some heroic comedian that everyone assumed was dead would lambaste them on her blog. Oh, wait. Photo: Getty Images -
Kim Kardashian performs with Pussycat Dolls
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 8:30am MST
Dear Mr. President, It is with the deepest regret that I must inform you of grave news: The terrorists have won. Attached is photographic evidence that is not for the weak at heart. (Now, would be a good time to eat a cookie and give the photos to Dick Cheney. Everyone likes a helper!) During this darkest hour, I can't help but think, had you provided me with a jetpack, we could've turned this thing around. Sure, I only wanted to wear it while having sex with models, but if you know another way to win the war on terror, I'm all ears. Didn't think so, The Superficial Writer NOTE: Video after the jump. It's the only one I could get my hands on, and it, uh, might try to sell you porn. So, no need to thank me. I love my peoples! -
John Mayer goes on insane offense against Jennifer Aniston break-up rumors
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 7:45am MST
John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He's tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn't want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to "nipple his goddamn eyes out." You might not see those exact words down below, but I'm 90% sure they're what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:"If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met. She's one of the most lovely people I've ever met in my life and I'm going through something that's a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can't have it all and it sucks.
John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:
"I'm sorry that the story's not interesting, but it's about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she's great."
Mayer reflected on the situation as "the most normal thing in the world – There's no lying, there's no cheating. There's no nothing."Why are you asking me that question? I'm being as honest as I can possibly can be," he responded. "I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time.
Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It's sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you're singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you'll excuse me, my penis isn't going to make jokes about itself.
"I don't do 'the taper,'" he continued. "I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don't know how. And I'm going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I'm going to be honest on the way out of my relationships." -
Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi lesbian wed
Posted: Aug 18th, 2008, 7:00am MST
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi made good on their promise to immediately wed once the ban against gay marriage was deemed unconstitutional in California. Somewhere, John McCain just went "Huh? What? I want tapioca." People reports:"Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles," their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively.
Congratulations to Ellen and Portia. I'm a firm believer that everyone, whether you're born gay, straight or, in my first wife's case: porpoise, should have the right to make the most retarded decision of your life. I mean, seriously, I still don't know how she got to keep the house. I should've gone for a prenup, but like any man in my shoes, I couldn't keep my mind off the blowhole. Ultimately, it's what drove us apart at the end. And, okay, maybe the harpoon gun.
